The Linesies

INT - Stage at an awards show

An MC walks to the podium at the center of the stage.

MC: And now we've come to the main event at tonight's Linesies. The book of the year. We've been showing them all evening, but a little recap is necessary for those just tuning in at home.

A coloring book, with the outline of a horrified barber holding his client's head as the cover.

MC: "Scandal! The Complete Bertolt Brecht Coloring Book" has shocked and enthused kindergartners across the globe. The subject of many pre-nap debates, this collection on Brecht continues to be an excellent, early-education primer to his work.

A new picture is held up. Thick lines denote five boats outside a coastal city.

MC: "Aegean Maritime Conquest," a historical reimagining of the periods most notable coloring books, seeks to capture the attention of the colorist, as well as shed light on what was, by all accounts, a rather drab period in maritime lore.

A thick white book, with hollow letters of "The Beatles" with half notes liberally spread out on the cover, is shown.

MC: "The Beatles, The Complete Scores, The Coloring Book" had been hotly anticipated by fans of musical coloring books since it was announced last December. The subject of many staff-based competitions, many of which strayed from the lines, "The Beatles, The Complete Scores, The Coloring Book" has shown that the combination of classic music and contemporary crayoning can hold on even the most hallowed of ground.

A woman, passed out in the gutter, surrounded by trash, again as the cover of a coloring book, is shown.

MC: "The Contemporary Poverty Of Inland American Suburbia, Vol. II" takes the wax-handed viewer through the plight of a nation in decline. In this second installment, Flynt, Michigan; Cleveland, Ohio, and Oklahoma City, Oklahoma are studied in great detail. Winner of the Martha Heasley Cox Center's The John Steinbeck Award, "The Contemporary Poverty Of Inland American Suburbia, Vol. II" is already well upon its way towards being a seminal coloring book in the annals of sociological study.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the winner of the Linesey for Coloring Book Of The Year is...

He fumbles with a large piece of coloring book paper, opens it, and turns it to the audience to reveal a crude crayoning of:

MC: It's a dark horse winner! "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Versus Eddie, The Bully At My School," by Tyler, age 7!