Dinner For Two

A HUSBAND and WIFE are having dinner at home, when a MAN crashes through their window. The man, dressed all in black, stumbles to his feet, points a gun at the man, but slips, and accidentally shoots himself, instead. He falls back to the floor, dead.

Husband: How dreadful.

Wife: Do you suppose he was trying to kill you?

Husband: Quite likely. I don't suppose you've done anything to warrant an attack on your life, have you?

Wife: Good heavens, no. Unless you count that Duchess I hit with my car. But, really, that shouldn't count; my car is still in the shop for that, and I haven't so much as hinted at the bill to her.

Husband: Well, then it can't be you. Though, I have to confess, I might have done something to have someone out to kill me.

Wife: Really? How exciting!

Husband: Oh, it wasn't much of anything at all. Do you remember how I lied to get us out of the Patterson's bridge night, last Thursday?

Wife: That was just a slight, surely not enough to warrant a full on killing.

Husband: Perhaps, perhaps not. Now, I can't imagine him being upset enough to send a top shelf assassin, but this fellow, I think this fits the crime rather well.

Wife: This is just nonsense. It's not like you didn't have a good reason to cancel, you had to drive me downtown.

Husband: To the orphan fighting palladium, yes, I know. I certainly don't want you out on the roads, driving intoxicated.

Wife: Well, not on a Thursday, at least!

Husband: True, true. It simply would not be fitting at all.

Wife: I don't think Mr. Patterson is really the type to commission a murder, though. It could be our old neighbors.

Husband: They did seem fairly upset about your burning their house down.

Wife: If they think we're going to do without a swimming pool, they've got another think coming.

Husband: Well, I'm not really sure who it was, but I'm fairly confident that someone is trying to kill me.

He gets up, and picks up the gun from the would-be killer, and walks back to his seat at the table.

Husband: It really does seem a waste, though.

Wife: You're not going to finish his job for him, are you?

Husband: I just feel bad that he didn't even get a chance, that's all. He probably has a family that will get the second half of his pay upon completion... I guess I feel a little sorry for him, is all.

Wife: On the other hand, you should probably only kill yourself for your own reasons.

Husband: I'm not sure I really have that many reasons to kill myself.

Wife: Well, you're quite a ways off from your, shall we say, peak physical fitness.

Husband: I'm afraid I can't be as young as I once was, dear.

Wife: That would be another reason. You don't make enough money, you're temples are going gray.

Husband: I'm told many women find that attractive. That it makes a man look distinguished.

Wife: I'm sorry to say that I'm not one of them. In fact, if you ask me, you're a rather hideous specimen of alleged masculinity. You depress me with your failures, your bone structure is effeminate, which embarrasses me. It embarrasses me that it doesn't embarrass you. If you were any other man in the world, if you were even a man, I'd feel relief. That you can't even kill yourself for your own reasons--

He shoots himself, and falls from his chair.

She reaches over, takes his plate, and begins eating his dinner.