Emmy For Best Reality Show

INT - Awards hall

Tracy: And the winner, for best reality show, is "The Amazing Race!"

John Hodgeman (voice over): Accepting the award will be Mile Marker 234 of highway I-40. This is the first nomination, and first win, for Mile Marker 234. Mile Marker 234 could not be here, but has prepared a video response.

EXT - Stretch of highway - Day

The Emmy is sitting on the ground, near Mile Marker 234, which is surrounded by construction workers, all applauding.

INT - Awards hall

Neil Patrick Harris has taken the podium.

Neil: When we return, the Emmy for Outstanding Syndicated Programming.

The Greatest Story Never Told

INT - Living Room

An OLD MAN sits in his rocking chair, surrounded by KIDS.

Kid 1: Come on, Grandpa, tell us!

Kid 2: Yeah, you're mean!

The Old Man shakes his head, no.

All the kids get up and leave.

The Old Man continues to rock in his chair, and smiles to himself.

Art A Day Gallery

INT - Art Gallery

A CURATOR leads a group.

Curator: We're currently showcasing a young artist, who underwent an exhaustive foray into creating art every over the course of a single month. As we begin, we see a lovely pastoral scene.

We see a painting of a lovely pastoral scene. It is numbered "1," and each subsequent painting is also numbered.

Curator: Moving on, an optimistic vision of the future.

2. We see a bustling city, with clean streets and happy locals.

Curator: And a solitary street.

3. An unfinished painting, very similar to the last, but just of the street.

Curator: Henry the Great.

4. A king with a grey beard.

Curator: We now enter the roman phase.

5. The letter "V" is the only thing in the picture.

6. The same king as in 4, but dressed in a toga.

7. A picture of Italy.

8. A picture of the Pope.

9. A picture of the Pope, eating a pizza.

10. A picture of the Pope, eating a pizza, in a lovely pastoral scene.

Curator: The Roman phase ends quickly, and abruptly, as it began.

11. A crumpled up piece of paper, neatly framed.

Curator: However, out of this came the modernist period.

In quick succession we see:

12. Just a neatly framed picture of "12". 13 through 17 repeat with their respective numbers.

Curator: Moving out of the stark modernism, he reflects on various issues of growing up. Note the musculature of a young man, finally gaining the strength of adulthood.

18. A man, outstretched arm reaching for a package of cigarettes.

Curator: A theme that is only continued a single time.

19. "18+1".

Curator: With the tenuous grasp on adulthood established, the artist moves on to other territories.

20. A ridiculous dragon, similar to the cover of a pulp fantasy paperback.

21. A photograph of the picture in 20.

22. A woodcutting of the picture in 20.

23. The word "Dragon".

Curator: With piece 24, we see a strong trend develop, which culminates the artists work for this month, and our showing.

24. A stick figure with a paintbrush, standing before an easel with a blank canvas.

25. The same stick figure, with an angry expression on his fast, is painting a muscular, happy, and confident stick figure on the canvas.

26. Dissatisfied, the painter is leaving the picture.

27. The muscled stick figure sticks his head out of the frame of the picture within the picture to see if the painter stick figure is gone.

28. He climbs out of the painting.

29. There is now a bush next to the easel, behind which the muscled stick figure is hiding. The painter is looking at his painting, perplexed.

30. The muscled stick figure has jumped out of the bush, and is about to attack the painter.

31. The painter is now inside the painting within the painting, with bars and a lock drawn over it. The muscular stick figure is walking away, twirling the keys.

Curator: Unfortunately, the artist, himself, was unable to be in attendance to day, but we do have a friend of his on hand for any questions. I'd like to now introduce him, Mr. Mark Stickly.

Pan over to the muscular stick figure, standing in the corner.

Dinner For Two

A HUSBAND and WIFE are having dinner at home, when a MAN crashes through their window. The man, dressed all in black, stumbles to his feet, points a gun at the man, but slips, and accidentally shoots himself, instead. He falls back to the floor, dead.

Husband: How dreadful.

Wife: Do you suppose he was trying to kill you?

Husband: Quite likely. I don't suppose you've done anything to warrant an attack on your life, have you?

Wife: Good heavens, no. Unless you count that Duchess I hit with my car. But, really, that shouldn't count; my car is still in the shop for that, and I haven't so much as hinted at the bill to her.

Husband: Well, then it can't be you. Though, I have to confess, I might have done something to have someone out to kill me.

Wife: Really? How exciting!

Husband: Oh, it wasn't much of anything at all. Do you remember how I lied to get us out of the Patterson's bridge night, last Thursday?

Wife: That was just a slight, surely not enough to warrant a full on killing.

Husband: Perhaps, perhaps not. Now, I can't imagine him being upset enough to send a top shelf assassin, but this fellow, I think this fits the crime rather well.

Wife: This is just nonsense. It's not like you didn't have a good reason to cancel, you had to drive me downtown.

Husband: To the orphan fighting palladium, yes, I know. I certainly don't want you out on the roads, driving intoxicated.

Wife: Well, not on a Thursday, at least!

Husband: True, true. It simply would not be fitting at all.

Wife: I don't think Mr. Patterson is really the type to commission a murder, though. It could be our old neighbors.

Husband: They did seem fairly upset about your burning their house down.

Wife: If they think we're going to do without a swimming pool, they've got another think coming.

Husband: Well, I'm not really sure who it was, but I'm fairly confident that someone is trying to kill me.

He gets up, and picks up the gun from the would-be killer, and walks back to his seat at the table.

Husband: It really does seem a waste, though.

Wife: You're not going to finish his job for him, are you?

Husband: I just feel bad that he didn't even get a chance, that's all. He probably has a family that will get the second half of his pay upon completion... I guess I feel a little sorry for him, is all.

Wife: On the other hand, you should probably only kill yourself for your own reasons.

Husband: I'm not sure I really have that many reasons to kill myself.

Wife: Well, you're quite a ways off from your, shall we say, peak physical fitness.

Husband: I'm afraid I can't be as young as I once was, dear.

Wife: That would be another reason. You don't make enough money, you're temples are going gray.

Husband: I'm told many women find that attractive. That it makes a man look distinguished.

Wife: I'm sorry to say that I'm not one of them. In fact, if you ask me, you're a rather hideous specimen of alleged masculinity. You depress me with your failures, your bone structure is effeminate, which embarrasses me. It embarrasses me that it doesn't embarrass you. If you were any other man in the world, if you were even a man, I'd feel relief. That you can't even kill yourself for your own reasons--

He shoots himself, and falls from his chair.

She reaches over, takes his plate, and begins eating his dinner.

Cheesy Love Story

INT - Kitchen

DENNIS sits over a wedge of cheese.

Dennis: Brie, baby, you know I'll always love you. It's not about that. I don't care if you're starting to get old.

Look, when I met you, I thought, I thought I'd never meet anyone like you. I didn't have any confidence, and you showed me that I've got something to offer.

I konw, it sounds pretty bad. "You showed me I don't need you." But, well, maybe that's what it is.

There's a knock on the door. Dennis opens it, and a there's a DELIVERY GUY standing there, holding a pizza box.

Delivery Guy: You Dennis?

Dennis: Yes.

Delivery Guy: Got a large, four cheese pizza for you, that'll be $11.99, plus tip.

Dennis pays him.

Dennis: ... Thanks.

The delivery guy leaves, and Dennis takes the pizza into a different room, out of view, and comes back to sit with the cheese.

Dennis: Brie, I'm sorry you had to see that, and I probably look awful, right about now. But, sometimes these relationships just don't have that long of a shelf life.

Dennis gets up, and heads off into the other room.

Contractual Obligations

Commercial

INT - Living Room

A family, a DAD, MOM, SON, and DAUGHTER, are all huddled around a board game, each with a small legal pad.

Son: Dad, you owe me $35,000 dollars, no more than 42.5% of which is to come out of stock options over the the course of the next 18 months!

Dad: Whoa, there, son. I think you're forgetting that you owe your sister the land rights to your Oak Ridge commercial developments.

Daughter: I'm going to put up a mall!

Mom: We're all going to open up malls-- malls with multiple lines of credit availale to low-income youth.

Dad: Wait just a minute, what about middle class kids, who are at risk nonetheless from external pressures?

Mom: Don't worry about that, I'm not going to give back to the community.

Announcer (voice over): It's "Contractual Obligations," the new game that's thrilling kids across the country.

The son flips over a card.

Son: I got approved for a limited Chapter 7 liquidation! Guess I'm keeping Oak Ridge, sis'!

Daughter: Mom! He's cheating, he has to pay me!

Mom: Now, now. It's not cheating if it's governmentally approved.

Dad: Sort of like how we could afford this game. You can thank your "other" brother for helping us out on our tax credits this year.

They all laugh.

Announcer: "Contractual Obligations," available wherever fine games are sold, leased, or rent-to-owned with a no-money-down, deposit free sign up. Some credit checks may be required.

Sitting Race

INT - Room

There is a row of chairs, and 4 CONTESTANTS stretching by them. All are dressed in running clothes. A JUDGE stands by, checking his watch and holding his whistle.

Judge: Im sure you've all read the rules, but just to reiterate, you have to complete six miles of sitting, and the fastest time wins. We'll be starting in three, two...

He blows his whistle, and the contestants all sit down.

Contestant 1 is sitting completely still, but starting to twitch.

Contestant 2 keeps kicking one of his legs out, unable to stop it.

Contestant 3 has sweat pouring down his face.

Contestant 2 jumps to his feet, and the Judge whistles several times.

Judge: No standing! That's a 45 second penalty!

Contestant 2: Whoa! I couldn't help it, I was pushed!

Judge: I didn't see anything of the kind, 45 second penalty!

Contestant 4 falls off his chair, and writhes on the ground, clutching his thigh.

Judge: We need some medical help, here!

(to Contestant 4)

It's going to be all right, it's going to be all right.

Contestant 4: Am I going to be able to finish the race?

The Judge looks at his spasming leg.

Judge: It doesn't look good.

A SPECTATOR walks by, handing all the contestants paper cups of water, which they drink and chuck behind them .

The Linesies

INT - Stage at an awards show

An MC walks to the podium at the center of the stage.

MC: And now we've come to the main event at tonight's Linesies. The book of the year. We've been showing them all evening, but a little recap is necessary for those just tuning in at home.

A coloring book, with the outline of a horrified barber holding his client's head as the cover.

MC: "Scandal! The Complete Bertolt Brecht Coloring Book" has shocked and enthused kindergartners across the globe. The subject of many pre-nap debates, this collection on Brecht continues to be an excellent, early-education primer to his work.

A new picture is held up. Thick lines denote five boats outside a coastal city.

MC: "Aegean Maritime Conquest," a historical reimagining of the periods most notable coloring books, seeks to capture the attention of the colorist, as well as shed light on what was, by all accounts, a rather drab period in maritime lore.

A thick white book, with hollow letters of "The Beatles" with half notes liberally spread out on the cover, is shown.

MC: "The Beatles, The Complete Scores, The Coloring Book" had been hotly anticipated by fans of musical coloring books since it was announced last December. The subject of many staff-based competitions, many of which strayed from the lines, "The Beatles, The Complete Scores, The Coloring Book" has shown that the combination of classic music and contemporary crayoning can hold on even the most hallowed of ground.

A woman, passed out in the gutter, surrounded by trash, again as the cover of a coloring book, is shown.

MC: "The Contemporary Poverty Of Inland American Suburbia, Vol. II" takes the wax-handed viewer through the plight of a nation in decline. In this second installment, Flynt, Michigan; Cleveland, Ohio, and Oklahoma City, Oklahoma are studied in great detail. Winner of the Martha Heasley Cox Center's The John Steinbeck Award, "The Contemporary Poverty Of Inland American Suburbia, Vol. II" is already well upon its way towards being a seminal coloring book in the annals of sociological study.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the winner of the Linesey for Coloring Book Of The Year is...

He fumbles with a large piece of coloring book paper, opens it, and turns it to the audience to reveal a crude crayoning of:

MC: It's a dark horse winner! "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Versus Eddie, The Bully At My School," by Tyler, age 7!

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

INT - Office

Two men, JACK and STEPHEN, face each other from a desk. Jack, well dressed, sits behind the desk, and the stylishly sloven Stephen sits in the guest chair.

Stephen: Ok, so it's a reality show.

Jack: I love reality shows. Love making reality shows.

Stephen: I know. So, it's called "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Every week, we find a couple that's going through a tough patch in their relationship--

Jack: Love it.

Stephen: And we bring in a celebrity guest to help them through it. We focus on celebrities that were at the height of fame when the couple first got together-- we get a couple who's been together for 35 years, we bring in John Travolta. We get a couple who met in high school, class of '83 and bring in Phil Collins. The best part is, most of the celebrities aren't that huge, anymore, and it won't cost much to bring them in. Sweeps comes in, we bring in someone huge.

Jack: I have to say, it's sounding like a real money maker.

Stephen: But, there's more. Now, get this, season finale, we bring in Olivia Newton John, and it's just a real charming show, and it's great. And the couple stays together, and it's great, and Elton John shows up--

Jack: Love. It.

Stephen: And he shoots Olivia Newton John. This leads us right into Season 2, where--

Jack: He shoots her?

Stephen: With a custom revolver, really flashy. We're talking 1970s Elton, here. It's just going to take everybody back, a really nice moment for everyone to remember what that time was like.

Jack: Like, he shoots her, shoots her? Olivia Newton John is supposed to die on your show?

Stephen: We're not going to fake it! This isn't that kind of reality show.

Jack: Alright. I've got a few notes.

Stephen: Please.

Jack: Well, first, I love the idea. It's cheap, tugs on the heartstrings, has some nostalgia. In fact, I love the idea of bringing Elton John and Olivia Newton John together. Makes sense, ties back into the show, great season finale. Not so crazy on the murder aspect.

Stephen: Murder's such an ugly word.

Jack: It is murder, though, right? I mean, technically.

Stephen: Technically, yes.

Jack: I just think, outside of the morality, I don't really think the FCC is going to let this air.

Stephen: Just run huge promos on the "controversial season finale," and show it after 9.

Jack: Fine... Not to keep coming back to the murder aspect, but, is it really necessary?

Stephen: Absolutely. For the second season, we're going to be aiming for a little bit more of an edge. The couples, they're working through their problems, but there's always this threat, that there's going to be a sequinned gleam out of the shadows, and then the relationship will be over. It lends an air of immediacy.

Jack: And Elton is on board with this? He's willing to shoot someone, someone he knows and has worked with?

Stephen: I haven't talked to him, personally, but I assume he would. The whole "Brown Dirt Cowboy," I get this very wild west vibe. I don't foresee any problems there. Besides, shooting someone you've known and worked with? Isn't that-- doesn't everybody kind of want that? This show's more than just a relationship show, it's-- I hope-- a wish fulfillment show.

Jack stares back at him, uncomfortably.

Jack. Ok. We'll do the show.

Light-ly Salted

Guy 1: How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 2: One person?

Guy 1: What if they're no good?

Guy 2: Well, it might take another person, then.

Guy 1: No, I mean, that first guy, he's terrible. He sold the lightbulb for salt, he takes the salt down to the hospital, he--

Guy 2: He pours salt in their wounds?

Guy 1: Oh, no, geeez, no. The kids who just got their tonsils taken out, he salts their ice cream. It's really gross.

Guy 2: Well, that's, that's not too horrible.

Guy 1: Yeah, it's still pretty bad. You, though, you've got wound-salting on your mind? At a hospital? That's a children's hospital, too. I don't know why I even bothered asking you about lightbulbs. I think I'll just ask a professional.

UN Committee For Multilingual Drama Presents

INT. OFFICE

Mr. FENTWORTH, a businessman, opens the door out of his office.

FENTWORTH: Ms. Stenson, could you come in for a moment?

Ms. STENSON, an attractive young woman, dressed secretarialily, enters.

FENTWORTH: Ms. Stenson, I'm sure you're aware that this distribution label is staunchly in favor of import sanctions on all media, and nothing will ever change that. The history of America has been about what, Ms. Stenson?

STENSON: America, Mr. Fentworth?

FENTWORTH: You've learned this label's lessons well, I see. Or, I so I had thought I had seen. So, why? Why, why, why did you book those filthy French record executives? Why, when we could have kept to good, old fashioned, American, and I stress, American music? Ms. Stenson, may I ask you, what makes you think that--

Screen goes blue.

Subtitle: We will now be switching to the French edition of this teleplay.

INT. OFFICE

FENTWORTH: Les Américains ne peuvent pas créer la musique de danse de qualité ?

Subtitle: Americans are unable to create quality dance music?

STENSON: Pas que les Américains ne peuvent pas, intrinsèquement, mais, il vraiment plus une question du concept de la disco contemporaine, bien, qui est tout l'eurobeat, ne sont pas maintenant lui est-elle ? Et nous certainement ne pouvons pas ignorer--

Subtitle: Not that Americans are unable, per se, but, it's really more a matter of the concept of contemporary disco, well, that's all eurobeat, now isn't it? And we certainly can't ignore--

Screen goes blue.

Subtitle: We will now be switching to German.

INT. OFFICE

STENSON: --der electronica einfluss der Deutschen.

Subtitle: --the electronica influence of the Germans.

FENTWORTH: Aber, wenn sparsity eine kunst an sich ist, ist es nicht--

Subtitle: But if sparsity is an art unto itself, is it not--

STENSON: Nicht nr., in seinem sparsity sehen wir die gefühle flüchtig, die wir begraben. Er ist wie ein erneuernder Spanischer wind--

Subtitle: No, no, in its sparsity we are glimpsing the feelings we bury. It's like a refreshing Spanish wind--

They pause, waiting for the languages to switch. It does not.

STENSON: Uh... wie ein erneuernder Spanischer wind gegen ihre haut. Ein nahes nichts, uns an unsere eigene substanz erinnern.

Subtitle: against your skin. A near nothingness, to remind us of our own substance.

FENTWORTH: Klingt mir wie abfall. Musik ist musik und Amerikanische musik ist genug für mich gut. Nehmen sie Russische musik, reine schei-

Subtitle: Sounds like trash to me. Music is music, and American music is good enough for me. Take Russian music, pure shi--

Screen goes blue.

Subtitle: We will now be switching to Russian.

INT. OFFICE

They are now fumbling with scripts, trying to make out the words, and doing a poor job of it.

FENTWORTH: Сверкая вещество, больше я думаю его.

Subtitle: Scintillating stuff, the more I think of it.

STENSON: Oh, да. Русское нот как раз чудесно.

Subtitle: Oh, yes. Russian music is just wonderful.

FENTWORTH: Прочность Shostakovich, оно вытягивает вас-- Но, после этого снова, чего они сделали для нас в последнее время?

Subtitle: The muscularity of Shostakovich, it pulls you--but, then again, what have they done for us lately?

Screen goes blue

Subtitle: We will now be switching to Laotian.

INT. OFFICE

STENSON: ........khene....?

Subtitle: A good point. Quite unlike the rich music of modern day Laos, with its island tones of flutes and bells, and the beautiful khene, despite its mainland location.

Stenson and Fentworth are dumbstruck at this point, and Fentworth throws his script on the ground.

Subtitle: Ah, but do not forget that it is quite nearly coastal.

Subtitle: Not much more coastal than, say any city 2 or 300 kilometers from the ocean, to be fair. Take Cordoba, for instance.

Fentworth grabs up his script, and they both ready themselves.

Subtitle: It's about the same distance from the coast of Spain, but not as coastal, as say, the province of Fujian, China.

Screen goes blue

Subtitle: We will now be switching to Hokkien.

INT. OFFICE

Subtitle: ................

Fentworth completely snaps, breaks character, and throws his script across the soundstage.

FENTWORTH: Alright, what the hell?

STENSON: They're just trying to respect each other's cultures, don't get so worked up about it.

Subtitle: ................

FENTWORTH: I'm not saying--whatever it is we're saying, America is the supreme power of music--I'm saying we're getting off track in a way that doesn't even make sense, anymore. We're comparing inadequacies of techno and Shostakovich, there's literally no connection.

STENSON: Outside of the rhythmic elements, rapping on the instruments' backs.

Subtitle: ................

FENTWORTH: Shut up! This is--

Screen goes blue

Subtitle: We will now be switching to Malaysian.

INT. OFFICE

FENTWORTH: No one knows Malaysian! Nobody knows what Malaysian music is like! I'm not even saying American music is the be all, end all, but we're such a dominant country that of course we're going to have some excessive cultural effect, and that's fine!

Subtitle: ................

STENSON: Come on, we're supposed to just, promote unity, and tolerance for the smaller--

FENTWORTH: For the smaller countries that we don't even have a translator for! I kind of thought that maybe there was some fighting going on in the background, but, really, I don't think that they even have a clue as to how to put together even half a commerci--

CREDITS ROLL

Credits read:

"Míster Fentworth ¿¿¿???"

"Miss Stenson ¿¿¿???"

"Director Ora De Cine ¿¿¿???"

"El Traductor ¿¿¿???"

"Un Comité de Naciones Unidas para la Producción Multilingüe del Drama"