INT. OFFICE
Mr. FENTWORTH, a businessman, opens the door out of his office.
FENTWORTH: Ms. Stenson, could you come in for a moment?
Ms. STENSON, an attractive young woman, dressed secretarialily, enters.
FENTWORTH: Ms. Stenson, I'm sure you're aware that this distribution label is staunchly in favor of import sanctions on all media, and nothing will ever change that. The history of America has been about what, Ms. Stenson?
STENSON: America, Mr. Fentworth?
FENTWORTH: You've learned this label's lessons well, I see. Or, I so I had thought I had seen. So, why? Why, why, why did you book those filthy French record executives? Why, when we could have kept to good, old fashioned, American, and I stress, American music? Ms. Stenson, may I ask you, what makes you think that--
Screen goes blue.
Subtitle: We will now be switching to the French edition of this teleplay.
INT. OFFICE
FENTWORTH: Les Américains ne peuvent pas créer la musique de danse de qualité ?
Subtitle: Americans are unable to create quality dance music?
STENSON: Pas que les Américains ne peuvent pas, intrinsèquement, mais, il vraiment plus une question du concept de la disco contemporaine, bien, qui est tout l'eurobeat, ne sont pas maintenant lui est-elle ? Et nous certainement ne pouvons pas ignorer--
Subtitle: Not that Americans are unable, per se, but, it's really more a matter of the concept of contemporary disco, well, that's all eurobeat, now isn't it? And we certainly can't ignore--
Screen goes blue.
Subtitle: We will now be switching to German.
INT. OFFICE
STENSON: --der electronica einfluss der Deutschen.
Subtitle: --the electronica influence of the Germans.
FENTWORTH: Aber, wenn sparsity eine kunst an sich ist, ist es nicht--
Subtitle: But if sparsity is an art unto itself, is it not--
STENSON: Nicht nr., in seinem sparsity sehen wir die gefühle flüchtig, die wir begraben. Er ist wie ein erneuernder Spanischer wind--
Subtitle: No, no, in its sparsity we are glimpsing the feelings we bury. It's like a refreshing Spanish wind--
They pause, waiting for the languages to switch. It does not.
STENSON: Uh... wie ein erneuernder Spanischer wind gegen ihre haut. Ein nahes nichts, uns an unsere eigene substanz erinnern.
Subtitle: against your skin. A near nothingness, to remind us of our own substance.
FENTWORTH: Klingt mir wie abfall. Musik ist musik und Amerikanische musik ist genug für mich gut. Nehmen sie Russische musik, reine schei-
Subtitle: Sounds like trash to me. Music is music, and American music is good enough for me. Take Russian music, pure shi--
Screen goes blue.
Subtitle: We will now be switching to Russian.
INT. OFFICE
They are now fumbling with scripts, trying to make out the words, and doing a poor job of it.
FENTWORTH: Сверкая вещество, больше я думаю его.
Subtitle: Scintillating stuff, the more I think of it.
STENSON: Oh, да. Русское нот как раз чудесно.
Subtitle: Oh, yes. Russian music is just wonderful.
FENTWORTH: Прочность Shostakovich, оно вытягивает вас-- Но, после этого снова, чего они сделали для нас в последнее время?
Subtitle: The muscularity of Shostakovich, it pulls you--but, then again, what have they done for us lately?
Screen goes blue
Subtitle: We will now be switching to Laotian.
INT. OFFICE
STENSON: ........khene....?
Subtitle: A good point. Quite unlike the rich music of modern day Laos, with its island tones of flutes and bells, and the beautiful khene, despite its mainland location.
Stenson and Fentworth are dumbstruck at this point, and Fentworth throws his script on the ground.
Subtitle: Ah, but do not forget that it is quite nearly coastal.
Subtitle: Not much more coastal than, say any city 2 or 300 kilometers from the ocean, to be fair. Take Cordoba, for instance.
Fentworth grabs up his script, and they both ready themselves.
Subtitle: It's about the same distance from the coast of Spain, but not as coastal, as say, the province of Fujian, China.
Screen goes blue
Subtitle: We will now be switching to Hokkien.
INT. OFFICE
Subtitle: ................
Fentworth completely snaps, breaks character, and throws his script across the soundstage.
FENTWORTH: Alright, what the hell?
STENSON: They're just trying to respect each other's cultures, don't get so worked up about it.
Subtitle: ................
FENTWORTH: I'm not saying--whatever it is we're saying, America is the supreme power of music--I'm saying we're getting off track in a way that doesn't even make sense, anymore. We're comparing inadequacies of techno and Shostakovich, there's literally no connection.
STENSON: Outside of the rhythmic elements, rapping on the instruments' backs.
Subtitle: ................
FENTWORTH: Shut up! This is--
Screen goes blue
Subtitle: We will now be switching to Malaysian.
INT. OFFICE
FENTWORTH: No one knows Malaysian! Nobody knows what Malaysian music is like! I'm not even saying American music is the be all, end all, but we're such a dominant country that of course we're going to have some excessive cultural effect, and that's fine!
Subtitle: ................
STENSON: Come on, we're supposed to just, promote unity, and tolerance for the smaller--
FENTWORTH: For the smaller countries that we don't even have a translator for! I kind of thought that maybe there was some fighting going on in the background, but, really, I don't think that they even have a clue as to how to put together even half a commerci--
CREDITS ROLL
Credits read:
"Míster Fentworth ¿¿¿???"
"Miss Stenson ¿¿¿???"
"Director Ora De Cine ¿¿¿???"
"El Traductor ¿¿¿???"
"Un Comité de Naciones Unidas para la Producción Multilingüe del Drama"
