Emmy For Best Reality Show

INT - Awards hall

Tracy: And the winner, for best reality show, is "The Amazing Race!"

John Hodgeman (voice over): Accepting the award will be Mile Marker 234 of highway I-40. This is the first nomination, and first win, for Mile Marker 234. Mile Marker 234 could not be here, but has prepared a video response.

EXT - Stretch of highway - Day

The Emmy is sitting on the ground, near Mile Marker 234, which is surrounded by construction workers, all applauding.

INT - Awards hall

Neil Patrick Harris has taken the podium.

Neil: When we return, the Emmy for Outstanding Syndicated Programming.

The Greatest Story Never Told

INT - Living Room

An OLD MAN sits in his rocking chair, surrounded by KIDS.

Kid 1: Come on, Grandpa, tell us!

Kid 2: Yeah, you're mean!

The Old Man shakes his head, no.

All the kids get up and leave.

The Old Man continues to rock in his chair, and smiles to himself.

Art A Day Gallery

INT - Art Gallery

A CURATOR leads a group.

Curator: We're currently showcasing a young artist, who underwent an exhaustive foray into creating art every over the course of a single month. As we begin, we see a lovely pastoral scene.

We see a painting of a lovely pastoral scene. It is numbered "1," and each subsequent painting is also numbered.

Curator: Moving on, an optimistic vision of the future.

2. We see a bustling city, with clean streets and happy locals.

Curator: And a solitary street.

3. An unfinished painting, very similar to the last, but just of the street.

Curator: Henry the Great.

4. A king with a grey beard.

Curator: We now enter the roman phase.

5. The letter "V" is the only thing in the picture.

6. The same king as in 4, but dressed in a toga.

7. A picture of Italy.

8. A picture of the Pope.

9. A picture of the Pope, eating a pizza.

10. A picture of the Pope, eating a pizza, in a lovely pastoral scene.

Curator: The Roman phase ends quickly, and abruptly, as it began.

11. A crumpled up piece of paper, neatly framed.

Curator: However, out of this came the modernist period.

In quick succession we see:

12. Just a neatly framed picture of "12". 13 through 17 repeat with their respective numbers.

Curator: Moving out of the stark modernism, he reflects on various issues of growing up. Note the musculature of a young man, finally gaining the strength of adulthood.

18. A man, outstretched arm reaching for a package of cigarettes.

Curator: A theme that is only continued a single time.

19. "18+1".

Curator: With the tenuous grasp on adulthood established, the artist moves on to other territories.

20. A ridiculous dragon, similar to the cover of a pulp fantasy paperback.

21. A photograph of the picture in 20.

22. A woodcutting of the picture in 20.

23. The word "Dragon".

Curator: With piece 24, we see a strong trend develop, which culminates the artists work for this month, and our showing.

24. A stick figure with a paintbrush, standing before an easel with a blank canvas.

25. The same stick figure, with an angry expression on his fast, is painting a muscular, happy, and confident stick figure on the canvas.

26. Dissatisfied, the painter is leaving the picture.

27. The muscled stick figure sticks his head out of the frame of the picture within the picture to see if the painter stick figure is gone.

28. He climbs out of the painting.

29. There is now a bush next to the easel, behind which the muscled stick figure is hiding. The painter is looking at his painting, perplexed.

30. The muscled stick figure has jumped out of the bush, and is about to attack the painter.

31. The painter is now inside the painting within the painting, with bars and a lock drawn over it. The muscular stick figure is walking away, twirling the keys.

Curator: Unfortunately, the artist, himself, was unable to be in attendance to day, but we do have a friend of his on hand for any questions. I'd like to now introduce him, Mr. Mark Stickly.

Pan over to the muscular stick figure, standing in the corner.

Dinner For Two

A HUSBAND and WIFE are having dinner at home, when a MAN crashes through their window. The man, dressed all in black, stumbles to his feet, points a gun at the man, but slips, and accidentally shoots himself, instead. He falls back to the floor, dead.

Husband: How dreadful.

Wife: Do you suppose he was trying to kill you?

Husband: Quite likely. I don't suppose you've done anything to warrant an attack on your life, have you?

Wife: Good heavens, no. Unless you count that Duchess I hit with my car. But, really, that shouldn't count; my car is still in the shop for that, and I haven't so much as hinted at the bill to her.

Husband: Well, then it can't be you. Though, I have to confess, I might have done something to have someone out to kill me.

Wife: Really? How exciting!

Husband: Oh, it wasn't much of anything at all. Do you remember how I lied to get us out of the Patterson's bridge night, last Thursday?

Wife: That was just a slight, surely not enough to warrant a full on killing.

Husband: Perhaps, perhaps not. Now, I can't imagine him being upset enough to send a top shelf assassin, but this fellow, I think this fits the crime rather well.

Wife: This is just nonsense. It's not like you didn't have a good reason to cancel, you had to drive me downtown.

Husband: To the orphan fighting palladium, yes, I know. I certainly don't want you out on the roads, driving intoxicated.

Wife: Well, not on a Thursday, at least!

Husband: True, true. It simply would not be fitting at all.

Wife: I don't think Mr. Patterson is really the type to commission a murder, though. It could be our old neighbors.

Husband: They did seem fairly upset about your burning their house down.

Wife: If they think we're going to do without a swimming pool, they've got another think coming.

Husband: Well, I'm not really sure who it was, but I'm fairly confident that someone is trying to kill me.

He gets up, and picks up the gun from the would-be killer, and walks back to his seat at the table.

Husband: It really does seem a waste, though.

Wife: You're not going to finish his job for him, are you?

Husband: I just feel bad that he didn't even get a chance, that's all. He probably has a family that will get the second half of his pay upon completion... I guess I feel a little sorry for him, is all.

Wife: On the other hand, you should probably only kill yourself for your own reasons.

Husband: I'm not sure I really have that many reasons to kill myself.

Wife: Well, you're quite a ways off from your, shall we say, peak physical fitness.

Husband: I'm afraid I can't be as young as I once was, dear.

Wife: That would be another reason. You don't make enough money, you're temples are going gray.

Husband: I'm told many women find that attractive. That it makes a man look distinguished.

Wife: I'm sorry to say that I'm not one of them. In fact, if you ask me, you're a rather hideous specimen of alleged masculinity. You depress me with your failures, your bone structure is effeminate, which embarrasses me. It embarrasses me that it doesn't embarrass you. If you were any other man in the world, if you were even a man, I'd feel relief. That you can't even kill yourself for your own reasons--

He shoots himself, and falls from his chair.

She reaches over, takes his plate, and begins eating his dinner.

Cheesy Love Story

INT - Kitchen

DENNIS sits over a wedge of cheese.

Dennis: Brie, baby, you know I'll always love you. It's not about that. I don't care if you're starting to get old.

Look, when I met you, I thought, I thought I'd never meet anyone like you. I didn't have any confidence, and you showed me that I've got something to offer.

I konw, it sounds pretty bad. "You showed me I don't need you." But, well, maybe that's what it is.

There's a knock on the door. Dennis opens it, and a there's a DELIVERY GUY standing there, holding a pizza box.

Delivery Guy: You Dennis?

Dennis: Yes.

Delivery Guy: Got a large, four cheese pizza for you, that'll be $11.99, plus tip.

Dennis pays him.

Dennis: ... Thanks.

The delivery guy leaves, and Dennis takes the pizza into a different room, out of view, and comes back to sit with the cheese.

Dennis: Brie, I'm sorry you had to see that, and I probably look awful, right about now. But, sometimes these relationships just don't have that long of a shelf life.

Dennis gets up, and heads off into the other room.

Contractual Obligations

Commercial

INT - Living Room

A family, a DAD, MOM, SON, and DAUGHTER, are all huddled around a board game, each with a small legal pad.

Son: Dad, you owe me $35,000 dollars, no more than 42.5% of which is to come out of stock options over the the course of the next 18 months!

Dad: Whoa, there, son. I think you're forgetting that you owe your sister the land rights to your Oak Ridge commercial developments.

Daughter: I'm going to put up a mall!

Mom: We're all going to open up malls-- malls with multiple lines of credit availale to low-income youth.

Dad: Wait just a minute, what about middle class kids, who are at risk nonetheless from external pressures?

Mom: Don't worry about that, I'm not going to give back to the community.

Announcer (voice over): It's "Contractual Obligations," the new game that's thrilling kids across the country.

The son flips over a card.

Son: I got approved for a limited Chapter 7 liquidation! Guess I'm keeping Oak Ridge, sis'!

Daughter: Mom! He's cheating, he has to pay me!

Mom: Now, now. It's not cheating if it's governmentally approved.

Dad: Sort of like how we could afford this game. You can thank your "other" brother for helping us out on our tax credits this year.

They all laugh.

Announcer: "Contractual Obligations," available wherever fine games are sold, leased, or rent-to-owned with a no-money-down, deposit free sign up. Some credit checks may be required.

Sitting Race

INT - Room

There is a row of chairs, and 4 CONTESTANTS stretching by them. All are dressed in running clothes. A JUDGE stands by, checking his watch and holding his whistle.

Judge: Im sure you've all read the rules, but just to reiterate, you have to complete six miles of sitting, and the fastest time wins. We'll be starting in three, two...

He blows his whistle, and the contestants all sit down.

Contestant 1 is sitting completely still, but starting to twitch.

Contestant 2 keeps kicking one of his legs out, unable to stop it.

Contestant 3 has sweat pouring down his face.

Contestant 2 jumps to his feet, and the Judge whistles several times.

Judge: No standing! That's a 45 second penalty!

Contestant 2: Whoa! I couldn't help it, I was pushed!

Judge: I didn't see anything of the kind, 45 second penalty!

Contestant 4 falls off his chair, and writhes on the ground, clutching his thigh.

Judge: We need some medical help, here!

(to Contestant 4)

It's going to be all right, it's going to be all right.

Contestant 4: Am I going to be able to finish the race?

The Judge looks at his spasming leg.

Judge: It doesn't look good.

A SPECTATOR walks by, handing all the contestants paper cups of water, which they drink and chuck behind them .